Emotional Pain and a Metaphorical Mask

I was married for 5 years. Almost 6 by the time the divorce was final. We had been separated for over 2 years before I filed for divorce & sole custody (which I got, by the way).  We are still friendly, but he is currently in jail, so he missed his son's 2nd & 3rd birthdays. As long as he doesn't screw up again, he should at least be present for his 4th birthday. His side of the family does not help out AT ALL. If I didn't have my parents, I would be screwed. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom until my son was 5, and if everything had gone according to plan, that would have happened, b/c my ex was making great money, and could have moved up in his field if he had any motivation and no addiction issues.  Anyway, my parents have been helping me get on my feet. They allowed me to stay home w/ Baby J until he was 3 (mostly; you'll see more about that in the next paragraph). Now he is in preschool full-time, and I need to get back to work. I don't want to go back to the field my M.Ed is is (teaching), but I would LOVE to go into the field my B.A. is in. Problem is, ya can't do much w/ a B.A. in Psychology. And I can't really afford to go back for a Master's in Psych or Counseling. Thinking about taking some courses toward a certificate of some kind in that field.

After my divorce, I was focusing on my son. I was w/ him 24/7 basically. I did work for 8 months (so I'm not a total lazy ass loser, by the way), and my parents watched him while I was working. Problem was, it was exhausting for everyone. They would work all day, and come home and watch Baby J. I would watch Baby J all day, and then go to work as soon as my parents got home. So my parents requested that I stop working and offered to help me out a little bit financially until Baby J went to preschool and I could get a "real" job again. I had no time to focus on dating at all, and frankly, I wasn't even interested.

I had met a guy (B) a while back through my best friend who passed away 2 years ago (JS). We started hanging out a little over a year ago, but it was purely as friends b/c we felt a connection to each other through JS. We didn't start dating until a few months ago, but by then we were already best friends and knew a ton about each other. 5 days ago he broke up w/ me for the STUPIDEST reason. I won't even say it, b/c I don't want to make him out to be a bad person.  I have been an absolute mess. He was an excellent influence on me. He was wonderful w/ Baby J & adored him, and the feeling was mutual.  Needless to say, my head is in an AWFUL place right now.  I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, AND the only connection I had to my best friend who passed away.

Monday, Nov. 4th, is JS's birthday. I'm already a wreck, and I cannot imagine how I'm going to be feeling that day. B and I were supposed to ride out to JS's grave together and spend the day together.  B also promised to go w/ me tonight to take Baby J trick-or-treating. He promised there was a 0% chance that he would bail on us. Well guess what...he bailed.

So I am feeling quite lost, confused, and alone right now. I have been crying for 5 days, and I never even cried over my ex-husband. What does that tell you?

I've been seeing a therapist. I stopped going for a few weeks, but I called and made another appt., and it just so happens it's on JS's birthday, so that will probably help. And even though my parents have helped me financially and given me and Baby J a place to stay while we get everything worked out, I am unable to talk to them about emotional things.  Well last night I laid everything out on the table to them, so now I feel like I have a bit more emotional support from them as well. I really want to just move on as quickly as possible, and I never want to feel this way again. I thought only teenagers hurt this badly after break-ups. I didn't hurt this badly after my separation or my divorce. Why do I hurt so much now?

I always put on a mask. I have always suffered from depression (off and on), anxiety (most of the time), and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). So I have learned very well to lock my feelings up inside and put on a mask to pretend to everyone else that I'm just fine. *Especially* to my son. The other night Baby J caught me crying. He said "Mommy don't cry, it's okay." I don't ever want him to catch me crying again, so my mask is now on super tight while around him. It has come off now around my parents, and I think that's probably a good thing, don't you?  They need to know what's going on in my mind, in order to know how to help and support me. If I lock everything up and tell them everything's fine, how do they even know I need help?

So for now I'm going to give myself a few more days to mourn, then I'm going to pick myself up and move the hell on. No point in letting this destroy me, when my divorce didn't even come close to destroying me.

More Posts?

I feel like I haven't updated in a year.  Oh wait, it HAS been a year.  Oops.  Maybe going through a divorce and raising a 2 year-old by myself has simply gotten the best of me?  Maybe writing in my private journal feels safer at this time than broadcasting for the world to see? (Not that anyone really sees this, lol, but it's a possibility at least.)

Well I would like to update here more.  Keep in mind, I need to be able to reach my inner sarcastic humor to be able to successfully update this blog in line w/ its appropriate purpose (the sarcastic part is not the problem, but humor is occasionally a problem at this point in time, ha!).

I like to be grammatically correct, spell things correctly, and type w/ proper punctuation (although I have no problem w/ abbreviations to make things a little quicker).  If you have issues w/ that, you may want to review your own educational background. However, if you ever do find the occasional slip-up of mine, feel free to point it out so I can edit...I hate having typos in my writing! :)

I'm a Gemini, so I can be totally random, and also seemingly hypocritical. And when I just went to type "also" in that previous sentence, I accidentally typed "awesome" instead, so that was obviously a Freudian slip!  ;)  My seeming hypocrisy is my inner-Gemini coming out to play, and is usually totally justified (at least in my mind).

Well that's enough for now, I suppose. Let me know if you would like to see more updates. Otherwise, I may just give up on this blogging thing for good, haha!

~Mama L~

Raining Craziness!

Whoa! You know the saying "When it rains, it pours?"  Well, I would like to adapt that to my life by saying "When shit's crazy, it's insane!"  I got about 2 hours of sleep last night (I would venture to say from about 3-5am) because of my joint pain/arthritis (knees, hips, lower back), & today I have had a crazy toddler, a crazy dog, a crazy husband, & a crazy computer... why is everyone & everything crazy at the same time?! Good thing I was able to dig deep & find at least a little bit of energy, or I would have crawled back in bed & called it quits 8 hours ago! (Actually the sense of humor has worked better than the energy itself!)  I still need to finish dinner, take the nutsos for a walk, & do our bedtime routine, before I can fully relax. I just needed to write a little bit in order to find the sanity to make it through the remainder of the day! Thanks for listening...you're my savior! ;)

Gemini randomness (or, more to me than my Mama status)

So when I'm not busy being a "crunchy" (or, attachment) Mama to my energetic, adorable toddler, I am a total pop-culture junkie. I love celebrity news/gossip (E! News, Chelsea Lately, wuttt?!) & mindless reality shows (Kardashians or Jersey Shore, anyone? ...anyone??). Hip hop is still my default music genre, closely followed by Pop, R&B, & Rock. This is something I not only did not "grow out" of, but in fact "grew into" even more as technology, media, & social networking has exploded so much that we can effectively "follow" people from across the country (or world even) in real time, via Twitter, Facebook, Youtube (which are obviously my 3 favorites), or whatever strikes your fancy.

Maybe it's because I'm a Gemini, so I theoretically (or astrologically, or whatever) have 2 personalities, but I feel like the different aspects of "myself" contradict one another. I mean, yes I have a Bachelor's in Psychology & a Master's in Elementary Special Education & pride myself on using fairly legible grammar/spelling/punctuation/etc., but so what that I can speak/interpret most modern slang/ebonics like your average high school boy?  And yes, when I'm in "Mama L," or better yet "Teacher L" mode, I like to get on my soap box about being open-minded, non-judgmental, & compassionate to all fellow humans, but so what that my ringtone is a 30 second clip of a "Drake" song which happens to say the F word once & the N word 4 times?

These "contradictions" could probably go on & on.  Does this make me hypocritical? I like to call it: "well-rounded."  :P

Now, when I see Jenna Marbles on Chelsea Lately, my universe will have aligned to a degree of such awesomeness that silver unicorns will slide down rainbows & land in vodka puddles in my front yard. Weeeeeee!

Crying Together

After almost 1 full year of parenthood (Baby J will be 1 tomorrow), I have finally made my decision on CIO (the Cry it out method). I have been back & forth on the subject since he was born, due to a variety of factors including instincts, research, & lack of sleep. But today I realized something & made a connection in my personal life. It's learned helplessness, & it does NOT feel good. It does NOT feel good to feel alone in this world & feel as though the person you need & trust most in the world won't be there for you when you need them most. I will not allow my baby to feel like that again. We can cry together...but he will no longer cry alone.